Five things I’ll be doing while you’re at Burning Man

1. carefully stewarding my pallor
2. repeatedly watching Law & Order: Special Victims Unit on the TiVo
3. defecating indoors—copiously, often, and without queueing
4. not tongue-kissing a sweaty Java programmer in clown makeup named “Shanti”
5. wearing clothes—lots and lots of square, capitalist, heinous-body-covering clothes