Via some random Cornell student. (No, I've never heard of most of these schools of thought either.)
The Teleologist: We aren’t meant for each other.
The Deontologist: We aren’t right for each other.
The Consequentialist: We aren’t optimal for each other.
The Solipsist: It’s not you, it’s me.
The Empiricist: I think we should see other people.
The Rationalist: I’m not a priority to you any more.
The Rationalist, v 2.0: I’ve been doing some thinking…
The Rationalist, v. 3.0: If you can’t see your faults, there’s nothing more I can say.
The Content Externalist: Ever since we moved, you’ve changed.
The Continentalist: You’ve lost that love and feeling.
The Egalitarian: This is the best thing for both of us.
The Paternalist: In time you’ll come to see that this is the best thing.
The Humean: Just because we’re always together doesn’t mean we BELONG together.
The Humean, v. 2.0: Relationships need to be about more than just constant conjoining.
The Reliabilist: This just isn’t working anymore.
The Nagelian: You just don’t know what it’s like to be me.
The Functionalist: I don’t care about accommodating your feelings.
The Quinean: I’m sorry, but you don’t mean anything to me anymore.
The Foundationalist: We have nothing left to build upon.
The Foundationalist, v2.0: I need to be able to branch out more.
The Relativist: It’s no one’s fault.
The Atheist: These things just happen.
The Kantian: You lied to me!
The Consequentialist, v 2.0: You should have lied to my mother about her pot roast!
The anti-Fictionalist: I’m sick of faking it.
The Cartesian: I don’t clearly and distinctly perceive a future together.
The Hegelian: Do we have to go through this again?
The Lockean: Our primary qualities simply aren’t compatible.
The Lockean, v. 2.0: Compared to my last partner, I’m not getting nearly enough, nor as good.
The Quasi-Realist: Of course we’re going to be together forever…
The Motivational Externalist: Even though I believed it at the time, I know now that I never really loved you.
The Behaviorist: I just can’t keep going through the motions anymore.
The Presentist: There just isn’t any future for us.
The Eternalist: At least we’ll always have that weekend in Paris.
The Modal Realist: This will never work—we’re from different worlds.
(I did study St. Anselm in college, so I could at least laugh at this one):
Anslem -
p1 We can conceive of a most perfect breakup.
p2 Whatever is conceived exists in the mind of the conceivers.
p3 Whatever exists in the mind of the conceiver and also in reality is better than the same thing that exists only in the mind of the conceiver.
C1 Therefore, a breakup conceived, than which no greater breakup can be conceived, exists in reality as well as in the understanding.
p4 Ours is a breakup greater than which none greater can be conceived.
c2 Our breakup exists in reality.
